Recently I’ve been feeling quite blue. My mental health has gone a bit down hill again and my head feels kinda scrambled. This has started to affect my relationship with food, my thought pattern and motivation to do daily tasks as well as the things I love.
For most of my life I constantly had the thoughts and feelings of ‘I’m not good enough’ and ‘I’m not doing this well enough’. These thoughts were always in the back of my mind then yelling at me whenever I went to do a task and just go and be myself. I slowly started to challenge this way of unhelpful thinking and low self-esteem problem and I guess for a while I began to overcome it. But then BAM all of a sudden- that ‘I’m not good enough feeling‘ hit me straight in the face again. I’m just thinking.. why.. I was doing so well. Why sabotage my progress?
I suddenly remember what it was like to really feel like this again and my heart stops in disgust and disappointment within myself. I hated that feeling and I didn’t want to feel that way again.
When I am in a positive mood and things are going fairly well, I think of all the things that help me feel good and think to myself ‘this is something that I can do when I’m having one of those blue days’ but then when I am actually having one of those blue days it’s like I cannot recall that conversation I had with myself at all. It almost seems impossible to do anything that I would when I am in a good mood to even make myself feel a tad better. Yet I feel like when I am positive and I know I will have bad days again I feel I will manage and I come up with all these plans to get back on my feet. Kinda sucks really doesn’t it?
I hate when you feel you have achieved so much and you feel pretty damn proud of yourself and your achievements and then a bad mood hits and you feel everything has gone to waste you know?
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t get as many bad days as I used to. I mean before, it was a constant battle but now it’s varied between a good few days and a bad few days but when those bad moments or days hit, it’s like the world had just ended and I’ll never see daylight again. It sounds dramatic (maybe it is a tiny bit) but that is the art of living with BPD when you’re mood can go from one emotion to the complete opposite within seconds. It can be difficult and I try to remind myself that I am trying the best I can.
I always feel like there is a high standard I need to be like and that is what it’s like being such a perfectionist and having OCD. In some way I like being a perfectionist in the way I achieve good things because I push myself so much. I always like the fact that I have to get things right but when I things don’t go 100% perfect, I start from scratch. This can be so frustrating and time consuming whilst constantly feeling like whatever I do ‘is not good enough’. So yeah it has its pros and cons.
I see all these models and bloggers over Instagram and social media accounts and although they inspire me so much, I feel at times I can compare myself too much and judge myself for it. This is so unhealthy but it’s hard to realise at the time that I am being completely and utterly judgmental to myself. We all have our unique traits, flaws and positive qualities and we all need to embrace that. But gosh why can it be so hard sometimes? I get days when I can scroll through Instagram loads and feel great for all the inspiration, see what people are up to and just general browsing. And then I get the days where any picture just triggers me and makes me feel like crap and that I am unworthy. I guess I just need to be more mindful of what state of mind I am in and decide whether I am too vulnerable to be scrolling through the gram on those days.
I am currently trying to get a plan together and really stick to it. I want to eat well with nutritious meals. Get a good workout routine and actually stick to it on a regular basis. I feel so good for it and I know that, so I just need to keep going and stick to what I want to achieve. I want to make the maximum effort to meet new people and connect with others. This is something that has undoubtedly been the hardest all of my teenage years but it is something that definitely has to be worked on. If it’s not worked on, nothing will get better, you know. I don’t want to be one of those people staying in everyday avoiding any form of social interaction because I’m too afraid to get myself out there, whilst being at home ironically wanting to be around people.
I really have to just focus on what is good for me and what helps me in the process. I don’t need to be ‘the best at everything’or ‘good enough for anyone’, I just need to be good enough for myself and feel content with how I live my life. That is truly important.
This is something that I’ve held back from people for quite a while however it wasn’t until the other day, that I realised I couldn’t keep all these bombarding thoughts in my head any longer. I realised I needed to speak about it and I opened up to a couple of friends. I never used to be the type of person that would open up but now I am the opposite. I feel so much more relieved when I speak to people about the things that are constantly bothering me.
If you are someone like I used to be, just know that it is good to talk about your worries and YOU WILL get through this. Feelings do not last and time is a massive healer. Keep going and know that you are doing great just the way you are. Work on yourself at your own momentum.
ALL PHOTOS BY ALAN LOCKHART