Where do I begin?
I was sat down the other day just day dreaming whilst waiting for a collaboration parcel to arrive. I had just filmed a video and put my makeup on. I felt this massive sense of happiness, excitement and just overwhelming feeling of passion. I felt so good all of a sudden and it was great! I just had all these ideas for upcoming blog posts and photoshoots I could do and I just wanted to create so much content at that moments time. I couldn’t get over this feeling of excitement, everything felt so good and I felt so confident. I said to myself ‘I’M GETTING MY PASSION BACK!’.
This seemed like a big deal for me because over the past 2 years it has been a rocky road shall we say. I often go through stages of confidence dips where sometimes I feel pretty damn confident in myself and my abilities and other times well, lets just say not so much. It can be hard because one minute i’m great and things feel pretty good. I feel good in what I do and just generally feel like I am achieving good things. Then there’s the other side. I am achieving and you get that feeling, ‘its just not good enough. I could’ve done better’. Unfortunately, we all get those feelings at times but wow I seem to be switching from one side to the other in such a short time. Its hard and can sometimes be misleading for myself.
As you probably already know, I stopped blogging and modelling for about a year due to my mental sate not being at its finest but I have slowly been getting back into it since the summer of 2018. I knew blogging and modelling was something I always wanted to do and I completely enjoy it so I knew its something I wanted to continue doing it, but its just those little thoughts in your head that sabotage what you want to do and how you think.
Fast forward 5 months and I have fallen in love with blogging again. At times I look back and remember that feeling I had when my brain said ‘you will never get back into blogging, just give it up’. However, that completely isn’t the case. I had some time off but I never want to give it up. I am not going to let my irrational mindset make my decisions for me anymore. It’s just not happening.
I can honestly say that I am the happiest blogging now than I ever was before. I feel great and oh god I just hope this feeling lasts. If not, I will make it through because I know this is my passion. As the new year has hit, I am determined to carry on with doing what I love and doing what is right and best for me.
ALL IMAGES BY ALAN LOCKHART
*This is in collaboration with Azengear*